INSANE IS THE NEW NORMAL: POST THIRTY

Wind Poppies, Chinese Purple Houses
After Rough Fire

REBOOT, REFORMAT

     I think I've always known that I need to leave my society far behind in order to heal myself on the deepest level, which explains why for many years I have journeyed into the woods at every opportunity. For me, at some point on just about every trail in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, I lose my personality, and my soul surfaces; I sometimes even experience knowledge that transcends my five senses, intuitions about events in the future and beyond the range of my perception. On each trail I experience anticipation and dread as well because with that shift also comes the fear of annihilation of my identity. Authentic spirituality, I believe, cannot exist without that moment when the personality vanishes and the divine spark communicates with the soul and the soul communicates with the conscious mind—the psyche aligning. I have come to seek that shift in ritual as well, not only to align the divine spark with my soul and with my conscious mind, but to connect my soul with healing cosmic forces, invisible forces represented by angels and Tarot archetypes and gods. Whether I'm worshiping Gabriel or the Moon or Khonsu, Raphael or Mercury or Thoth, Uriel or Saturn or Ptah, I am using the symbolic representation of the God as a bridge to extremely powerful subtle forces, and I must leave my personality, with all of its social conditioning, outside the door of my spiritual room in order to connect with them.

     When I was in junior high school, I was a jock, and I hung out with other jocks at recess and at lunch. We would usually roam the halls as a herd without ever saying a word to one another. We were members of the “in-crowd,” providing protection for each other, clearly showing the other kids that individual members of the group were not to be messed with, ever. After about six months as a member of the herd, I felt a strange emptiness as we drifted through the halls. I turned my head and gazed at the boys beside me and realized that I had not said more than two words to any one of them. One day I couldn't stand the feeling of emptiness any longer. I started hanging out with someone who was less cool, more vulnerable socially, but far more fun.

     So often as I was growing up, I just went around on auto-pilot, half-asleep. My family and my society conditioned me to maintain the unexamined self as a survival mechanism. I adopted their beliefs and developed physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual habits as I learned to play by the rules. In the process, I became passive, allowing others to control and manipulate and crush my imaginative powers, and it was this very habit of inner passivity that became a veil within consciousness. Even though these habits and beliefs interfered with my ability to live fully and creatively, since nothing challenged my belief systems too much, and life didn't treat me too badly, I remained passive and didn't question anything. But as I grew up this tower that I was building was hit by lightning. For me a thunderstorm formed from the inspiration and exaltation I experienced within nature and the arts, and that, along with my chronic illness, compelled me more and more to step away from the herd.

Ithuriel's Spears, White-tipped Lupine

     The more I separated myself from the herd, the more I became aware of my ego, which I realized is concerned primarily with survival and gratification, not with sympathy and union. After many years away from the herd, I recognized that my ego has dominated my soul, my higher self, driving it deep into my subconscious, so far down into the depths that for over thirty years I was not even aware that I have a soul. As soon as I began to live more in the higher self, I recognized that my ego is willing to compromise the truth for security and status—my soul is not. I am keenly aware now that those who step out of the herd and insist on truth are often treated as troublemakers and traitors. Fortunately or unfortunately, now that I am aware of the higher self, I cannot turn back and live in the personality that my ego has formed, even though it is often more painful to live in the higher self. My soul has shaken up my ego without any apologies whatsoever. At times Mars is a lot like Shiva, burning away everything except the essence of the soul. When Mars burns the transitory away, the spirit remains.

     I realize now that over the years my excursions into nature, my spirituality, my art, my blogs have all pointed me to one key event: rebooting, reformatting, and installing a new operating system. In other words, I have to dissolve my conditioned self, access my divine core, purify, and rise from the ashes. I hope to retain all my software, my memories and knowledge and wisdom, but lose my ego and cleanse my soul so that I am completely renewed. Hopefully after that when I recall bad times, I will remain detached, like when I'm watching a video.

     With war, global terrorism, the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, environmental degradation, species extinction, global warming, overpopulation, the volatility of capitalism, and on and on, humanity is approaching a time when many others will need to reboot and reformat as well. The more I purify my mind and lose my sense of ego and personality, the more I see how much conditioning has thwarted my creativity and fragmented me, how deeply I have been damaged, physically, mentally and emotionally, by my disease and by the herd instinct. Our problems collectively are becoming more and more acute—a reflection of the deep inner conflicts and schisms created by social conditioning and the veils within consciousness. Cleansing our psyches and becoming balanced is truly a revolutionary way to manifest harmony in the world. All other revolutions are just noise and violence in comparison.

     My higher self, despite all of my angst about being isolated, would never let me remain in a herd. Due to my chronic illness and my compulsions, I have to stand alone to renew myself, dissolving my personality so that I live in my higher self, at the point of consciousness where the essence of the self meets the divine. Then I can manifest harmony down the planes into my sphere of influence on a regular basis. So I have devised a ritual intended to pull away the veil between the self and the divine, the ritual of the Fool.

Path 21

THE RITUAL OF DIVINE MADNESS

     First, a little review. The glyph of the Tree of Life reflects both the archetypal structure of the macrocosm (the cosmos) and the microcosm (the individual), the top sphere, the Crown (Kether), representing the most profound spiritual energy, and the bottom sphere, the Kingdom (Malkuth), representing the densest physical manifestation. These spheres, known in Hebrew as “Sephiroth” (“Sephira” singular), are considered objective states of being and are treated as the first ten “paths” of the Tree of Life. Twenty-two other paths, eleven through thirty-two, are treated as subjective states that connect the Sephiroth.

The Tree of Life

     Behind the first state of manifestation, the Crown, are three veils of “negative existence,” aspects of the Source currently unknowable to the human mind. The process of the original creation, known as involution, takes place in the first ten paths, or Sephiroth, in the Way of the Lightning.

     Over an evolution, the divine spark, or spiritual core, represented as the Crown within the individual, extends into various levels of manifestation, taking on diverse forms and personalities to experience a range of spiritual, mental, astral, and physical vibrations. The essence of these experiences remains as the soul, also known as the evolutionary personality or Individuality, which layers the divine spark like a pearl around a grain of sand. The soul is the subtle body, which can perceive with subtle senses the unseen vibrations that surround and penetrate the aura. Over an evolution, the human soul experiences many energies, from the finest spiritual vibrations to the grossest physical manifestations, the Fire, Water, Air, and Earth of the wise, until experience of these energies forms the human Individuality. Cultures in modern industrial and technological societies tend to emphasize concrete mentality, which focuses primarily on the material realm and tends to ignore, even vilify, the other aspects of the psyche, conditioning the individual to accept a reality that excludes the subtle energies. All too often, the subtle body shuts down its senses. Because collectively we have agreed to shut down the subtle senses of the soul, a kind of spiritual insanity has gripped modern society, leading to horrific wars and social catastrophes. Slowly opening the subtle senses of the soul, essentially a healing process, is the main purpose of my rituals, with the ultimate goal of allowing all aspects of the psyche to function harmoniously. The way back up the Tree, known in the Qabalah as evolution, follows the path of the serpent, with its tail in the earth, Malkuth, and its head crowned in the highest heaven, Kether. The serpent sheds its skin continuously, following the way of Gnosis, of transformation and transmutation, of understanding and growth.

     The three uppermost Sephiroth form the supernal triad above the Abyss, in other words, they are transcendent states of being “above” manifestation. The path of The Fool, path number eleven, connects Kether, the Crown, with the second Sephira, Chokmah (Wisdom), where the Source, after the first emanation, sees Itself. In the microcosm, Kether is the divine spark, the spiritual core of the individual, and Chokmah is the Sephira in the individual where the divine core is aware of itself, the first self-conscious awareness of the Individuality, which becomes comprised of all experiences through an evolution and is quite different from the personal ego formed during an incarnation in the material realm. The Ritual of Divine Madness focuses on dropping the veil where the spiritual core meets the Individuality, reestablishing balance at the deepest level of the psyche, and eliminating negativity and dis-ease in the other Sephiroth.

Click here to Review the Basics of the Tarot Pentagram Spread

First, Lay down foundation cards (Aces). Then invoke The Fool 

with the Active Invoking Pentagram.

Add the Modifiers:

First the card associated with the zodiacal sign,
then the card associated with the planet,
then the number card from the Minor Arcana.

Two of Wands: Lord of Dominion

Mars (The Tower) in Aries (The Emperor)

Two of Swords: Lord of Balance Restored

Moon (The High Priestess) in Libra (Justice)

Two of Cups: Lord of Love (See post 28)

Venus (The Empress) in Cancer (The Chariot)

Two of Pentacles: Lord of Harmonious Change

Jupiter (The Wheel of Fortune) in Capricorn (The Devil)

     The Two of Swords on the individual level represents the mind maintaining balance deep within the subconscious, where the first manifestation of Individuality connects with the divine core; around the blindfolded figure balancing the swords are symbols of the subconscious: water and the moon. The suit of Swords represents the element of Air, astral consciousness, containing thoughts and emotions that enable the psyche to deal with the material plane. At the cosmic level (known as the macrocosm), Chokmah is the first emanation from the Crown of creation known as Kether. In the microcosm of the individual, Kether is associated with the divine core within the individual. Chokmah, the second sephira, establishes the basis for balance in the cosmos and the individual mind. In the Two of Swords, the conscious mind is blindfolded—the archetypal energies of the harmonizing intellect anchored deep in the subconscious.

     The decan correspondences of the Two of Swords are the Moon in Libra. The Moon is associated with the soul, the subconscious, psychism, the Holy Ghost, feminine energies, as well as the middle path across the abyss leading to union with the Divine. In the ritual, in order to heal myself, I have chosen to go deep into my subconscious, connecting with forces associated with Water and the Moon so that I cleanse and renew the primal energies of the intellect and regain a sense of balance at all levels. The Two of Swords is perfect for the ritual, especially since the Tarot card Justice is associated with Libra, the sign of balance. The other Twos in the Minor Arcana also manifest the same principle of balance.

     I am “rebooting and reformatting” as a way to help myself overcome a chronic illness. I do not recommend that anyone else try this ritual without first doing a great deal of inner work. For this ritual to be effective a person needs to purify the aura and know how to open the psyche to subtle forces. Without a wide range of experience path-working on the Tree of Life, a person is likely either to experience nothing or dramatic and potentially life-altering changes within his or her life. One, of course, also needs to know how to perform the LBRP and the SIRP effectively.

     The greatest impact of the ritual for me occurs during the invocation the Gods associated with the Tarot cards. As I have mentioned, one should always stay with the same pantheon of Gods to avoid confusion. During the ritual I improvise invocations revolving around the same theme, such as the examples presented below.

HARPOCRATES (The Fool)

Great Harpocrates, God of the newborn sun,

Path 11

Horus the child, God of silence, 

eternal child within a vast field of change,

return me to the beginning, renew me

so the veil between the self and the divine

drops away, so that all dis-ease and negativity

fall away, so that I become an eternal child

through all of the changes, aware

of the divine within my being

and all Being, aware of my very core

so that I live in my higher self,

serving thee and the Source

for the highest possible good.

In the name of Yeheshua I invoke thee. Amen.

HORUS (The Emperor, The Tower)

Path 15

Great Horus, God of the higher self,

one eye the sun, the other the moon,

burn away what does not serve me.

Consume all disease and negativity

so that I may live where the self

meets the divine spark—my spirit

connected to all Being. Let the Sun

of spirit shine down through the soul,

manifesting in this world so that I

live fiercely within my higher self

and manifest harmony in the world,

serving thee and the Source

for the highest possible good.

I am resurrected in thy light.

In the name of Yeheshua I invoke thee. 

Amen.

MA'AT (Justice)

Path 22

Great Ma'at, Goddess of harmony,

Goddess of balance, Goddess of justice,

consort of Thoth: Balance my psyche

so that I live where self meets spirit,

manifesting harmony in this world.

Eliminate all disease and negativity

so that I live in perfect health.

Let me manifest the righteousness

of beauty, the righteousness of balance.

Let me live in my higher self,

serving thee and the Source

for the highest possible good.

I am resurrected in thy light.

In the name of Yeheshua I invoke thee. Amen.

NEPTHYS (The Moon)

Path 13

Great Nepthys, sister of Isis, Goddess

of the depths, let me go deep, deep

into darkness, deep into my mind,

finding where self meets spirit

so that I may rise into the light.

Let me go down that I may rise.

Let my personality dissolve

so that my higher self may shine

with knowledge of the depths.

I am resurrected in thy light.

In the name of Yeheshua I invoke thee. Amen.

MIN (The Devil)

Path 26

Great Min, God of creation,

God of fertility, maker

of gods and men, God

of the life-force that thrills

through the cosmos, let me live

where self meets the divine

so that the life-force manifests

as my higher self in the world,

anchored deep in the Earth.

Eliminate disease and negativity

so that the life-force thrills

through spirit, soul and body.

Let me dance in harmony

through all the changes.

I am resurrected in thy light.

In the name of Yeheshua I invoke thee. 
Amen.

     Yeheshua is the secret name of Christ formed by the Hebrew letters associated with the pentagram: Yod Hed Shin Vau Heh. Since the pentagram is central to the ritual, the secret name has a powerful effect.

     If you do not wish to step away from the herd, you should avoid this ritual altogether. If, however, you do the ritual, you should perform the LBRP without fail at the end of the ritual and at least once a day afterwards for forty days.

INSANE IS THE NEW NORMAL: POST TWENTY-NINE

Lupine and Poppies

THE CONQUEROR

     Once, my father took my brother and I and several neighborhood friends out to a river. While my Dad fished, the five of us explored the oak woodlands, following a trail that forked so many times I lost my sense of direction. Suddenly we entered a meadow, and everyone scattered. I chased after one of the boys, barely keeping up as he crossed a creek and crashed through dense foliage and looped back around to the meadow. After a short while, we were all back together again, panting and laughing. Our leader, however, frowned at the boy I had chased, and whispered, “You couldn't get away?” I mentioned that we should be getting back, but no one responded, and we continued hiking farther into the forest. After awhile, I grew tired and bent down to gaze at a purple flower next to the trail. Suddenly the boys all vanished into the forest again, so quickly that I couldn't follow any of them. Alone in a vast forest, I had no idea how to get back to the river.

     They had planned to ditch me from the beginning, I realized. My brother and the neighborhood boys were all two years older than I and had ditched me before in perilous places. Once I had followed them deep into a cave. The leader suddenly turned off the flashlight, and their footsteps quickly vanished into total blackness. I sensed that they had all headed in one direction, so I felt my way along the cave wall until, about forty-five minutes later, I saw light in the distance. They had, on different occasions, ditched me more than once on moonless nights far beyond our camp. Before, I had never taken it personally, however. It was there idea of having a little fun, I rationalized. This time, however, I was growing weary of their attempts to make me afraid. As I ambled along the trail, stopping now and then to gaze at flowers, I suddenly understood why they kept challenging me and each other.

Poppies

     The leader of our neighborhood gang had always been aggressive and demanding, but after his father died of leukemia, he became wild and unpredictable. We followed him everywhere, however, into caves, into dark forests, into battle with other scout troops. He expected us to follow no matter how insane the adventure, and every time, he succeeded in making at least one person feel completely alone and vulnerable. I realized then that he wanted each one of us to know how he had felt after his father died, and since I was the youngest, I was usually the one he chose to abandon in strange places, and I was getting tired of it.

     Not knowing which direction to go, I just kept following the trail. Strangely, even though I was totally lost, I experienced a deep sense of peace. The forest was so tranquil that I forgot all about being ditched. I had time to wonder why our leader couldn't express his feelings, why he was so cruel and destructive, why he felt compelled to force us to do things that we knew were harmful to ourselves and others.

     Once, out of the blue, our leader commanded me to beat up one of the weaker neighborhood boys. Even though the boy was two years older, I quickly got on top of him and started swinging, but I pulled my punches. I apparently succeeded in looking like I was beating up my victim because our leader was smiling, satisfied. By the time we were through “fighting,” however, my victim and I both felt humiliated. I remember later thinking that to be a real man, a real tough guy, I should have punched him much harder. I felt ashamed because pity and compassion weren't acceptable emotions. I also suspected that my victim, even though I didn't hurt him, would try to get me back at me at some point in the near future.

Lupine

     In order to prove to our leader that we were manly, we occasionally ended up doing great harm to ourselves and each other. One time, for instance, our leader commanded me to guzzle down two large cups filled to the brim with some horrible liquid, which turned out to be 151 rum and coke. Half an hour later my head was spinning. I soon passed out. As the other boys were playing poker, I woke up vomiting all over the kitchen table. I continued to throw up as they dragged me into the bathroom. Finally they took me over to a schoolyard and tried to get me to “run it off.” The held me up as we stumbled around the track. Whenever they let go of me, however, I collapsed. I remained violently ill for three days.

     I sensed, as I followed the path, that our leader was not just “acting” like a conqueror—he couldn't help himself. He felt compelled to dominate us and make us feel vulnerable, not because he was pretending to be a “real man,” but because he was fulfilling a purpose, manifesting the values of masculinity and leadership. Whenever I was with him, however, I witnessed continually how a leader—and how a man—should not act. When his father died, something had gone terribly wrong with him as a leader, yet everyone in the gang continued to follow him blindly. (A description of one camping trip is perhaps enough to illustrate my point.)

Poppies and Bush Lupine

     In late afternoon, I finally stepped through some brush onto the riverbank. I had no idea that I was even close to the river until that moment. I could see my father fishing and my brother skipping rocks in the distance. As soon as he saw me, my father waved us in and told everyone that it was time to go home. We all piled into the car, the other boys quickly falling asleep. I suddenly had a terrifying premonition: My father was going to die soon. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I would soon be totally lost and alone, and no one would understand my grief. No one would ever try to understand it. The terror slowly subsided as the car curved around the hillsides. Whether or not I had experienced the premonition because our leader had made me feel so vulnerable and alone that day is irrelevant: My premonition came true.

     When I was seventeen, my father died of a heart attack, and while I was grieving, my “friends” abandoned me. At the time, I was also struggling with celiac disease and with sickness from four years of inhaling the toxic fumes of acrylic and oil paints in my poorly ventilated art studio, my bedroom. I realized then that I couldn't count on male friends. Any sacrifices I made to be a real man in order to fit in would not help me through hard times or illness or grief. I knew I would end up alone even if I succeeded in making everyone respect me, so I decided to give up trying to be a “real man.”

     Over and over as I was growing up, I experienced the negative aspects of masculinity, but I rarely, if ever, experienced real emotional support from a man. I have numerous examples of the negative side of masculinity, but a few incidents stand out. For instance, in elementary school, I loved sports. I excelled at football, basketball and four-square. One day when I was in sixth grade, Dwayne, a tall, gangling boy with little or no coordination, sneaked up behind me at the beginning of recess and punched my ears as hard as he could with his fists, for no reason other than to show that he could bring me to my knees. When I regained my hearing at the end of recess, I could hear him still bragging to anybody who would listen, “Did you see that? I got Robbins good!” I had hardly ever even talked to him, let alone bothered him. Since I was having trouble hearing, a friend told the yard duty teacher, who did nothing. Dwayne pounded the ears of another strong, athletic boy the same way a few days later. The boy, who was normally tough and stoic, wept uncontrollably all recess. Dwayne got suspended, but only after I swore to a teacher that Dwayne had done the same to me.

Poppies, Lupine, Bird's Eye Gilia

     In seventh grade, I sat next to a stoner, who was a year older, in art class. Every day he pestered me to lure one of my friends outside when the teacher wasn't looking. The stoner acted like my friend and assured me that he just wanted to show us something. I had no idea what he had in mind, but finally, after weeks of badgering, I gave in. As soon as we got outside the stoner repeatedly punched my friend in the stomach, and my friend crumpled against the wall and collapsed. I stood aghast, stunned, unable to move. The stoner rushed back into class, and I followed, realizing that any help or comfort I might provide my friend would not be appreciated. I thought the stoner was a psycho and begged the teacher to move me to another seat. I soon realized that the stoner, an eighth grader, might have simply wanted to get the better of two seventh graders so that he could feel more like a man. I approached my friend a few days later and swore that I had no idea that the stoner had planned to hurt him. “But you didn't try to stop him,” he snarled. I was speechless. He was right. Over the years, I have occasionally felt twinges of guilt about that incident.

     In high school I took a poetry class. A large jock took the class as well, probably believing that it was an easy A. He never once participated in discussion. During PE one day, one part of the class was playing water polo, and the jock and I happened to be in the pool together. Suddenly the ball was in our vicinity and a number of us scrambled for it, including the jock, who got there first. Several of us, including me, were struggling to grab the ball away from him when, suddenly, he punched me in the face. I fell back, stunned, and play stopped. Standing at the side of the pool, the coach asked the jock why he'd punched me. The jock replied, “That little faggot grabbed my balls!” The coach stared at me and asked if that was true, and I weakly replied in the negative, my face still stinging. The coach quietly conferred with another coach, and suddenly the bell rang. The jock suffered no consequences. In elementary school and junior high school, I was a jock myself, usually on the winning team, but in high school I was smaller than many other boys, and far less likely to win in a sports competition. In high school, I slowly began to accept this change in stature. Why the jock felt the need to punch me and humiliate me made no sense to me at the time.

Wind Poppies, Chinese Houses

      As I grew older, I began to understand that a “real man” has to demonstrate social dominance, anti-intellectualism, aggressiveness and sexual prowess with women—all the time. In the face of adversity, toughness and stoicism are the only acceptable attributes. Competing for wealth and power are the only acceptable pursuits. Earning respect from others, even total strangers, is absolutely essential for the well-being of a real man even though the act of earning respect might require the sacrifice of mental, emotional and physical health or turn one into an animal. Respect has to be continually earned, moreover. A man is always in danger of being reduced to a wimp or a failure or a “faggot” or a “pussy” through the actions of other people, men and women. A challenge to one's manhood must be dealt with quickly and decisively, with the challenger thrashed or humiliated. Losing face in a moment of weakness can lead to the possibility of loss, of a job, of friends, of wife and children. A common way to establish and maintain power: Violence or the threat of violence. The number of people harmed by this social attitude is incalculable.

      Even the belief that a real man should always be a good provider reduces manhood and masculinity to an external factor, an aspect of the male that can be taken away or destroyed. If your status depends on your job or your financial situation, then your manhood is always at risk, determined entirely by your employer in a volatile economy. A real man is always at risk of losing his manliness and must succeed, no matter the economic circumstances, no matter the cost to himself and others.

     After much experience with the archetypal energies of the Tree of Life, I believe that many of the destructive beliefs about masculinity stem from the archetype of the conqueror. One way that the negative aspects of the archetype play out in a capitalistic society is through cutthroat competition, whether in business, politics, or academia. Jupiter and Mars are both conquerors, and within each archetype is a spectrum of energy that includes a positive pole and a negative pole, virtues and vices, in other words. The positive pole of the Jupiter archetype includes spiritual magnificence, harmony, and abundance; the negative pole includes bigotry, gluttony, and tyranny, vices that elevate the selfishness of the individual above the good of the whole. The positive pole of the Mars archetype includes strength, discipline, and courage; the negative pole includes cruelty and destructiveness.

Lupine

     A society that has not learned to polarize to the positive pole of these archetypes expects males to compete from childhood through adulthood, from classroom to playground to playing field to workplace, with social situations resulting in either dominance or subjugation. The inability to empathize is a consequence because everyone is a potential adversary or pawn, and a male learns to expect either overt or subtle conflicts for dominance in most social situations. Emotional and spiritual distance is perpetuated in the never ending process of winning and losing. The winner justifies his status and his prejudices by convincing himself of his superiority. The loser feels the sting of failure and betrayal and often strikes back in subtle ways to get even. A male who lives by the negative aspects of these Mars and Jupiter archetypes, whether he wants to or not, can eventually find that his relationships have become empty and exploitative. Worst of all, the other aspects of the psyche represented by the Tree of Life are ignored, leaving males spiritually unbalanced and emotionally stunted.

Path 14

     Many males, of course, are demeaned simply because their behavior does not fit into the patterns of the Mars and Jupiter archetypes; they may be introspective or artistic or nurturing, for instance, instead of extroverted, competitive and domineering. Recognizing all the archetypal energies of the Tree of Life liberates individuals from the adverse aspects of the few socially dominant archetypes. Moreover, individuals who bring the archetypal energies through with power into the mundane world can create a paradigm shift within a civilization, as Jesus and Buddha have done, for example. The more individuals within a given society who choose to move from the negative to the positive poles of both the dominant and the less acknowledged archetypes, the more likely that society will be spiritually balanced. In the meantime, individuals can liberate themselves from destructive patterns within society by balancing all the energies of the Tree of Life within themselves, which may eventually lead to a critical mass, a kind of morphic resonance, where the many are suddenly able to do the same because the inner work of a few individuals has deeply affected the collective consciousness.

Path 15

     My inner work, of course, is not entirely altruistic. Due to my chronic illness, I need to attract the most positive force, spiritual love, into my life, which requires me first to let go of damaging beliefs about masculinity. If I am to survive, I need to change my consciousness on a deep level, so I have devised two rituals to help me overcome the negative aspects of my social conditioning as a male. In the process, I hope to feel greater love for all Being, including my self, in order to stop attracting negativity.

The Empress with Foundation Cards (Aces)

THE EMPRESS AND THE FOUR QUEENS

     In the previous ritual, I invoked Hathor, Egyptian Goddess of Love. (See previous post.) I learned that the power of love, which includes love of Being and self-love, is a necessary part of healing to keep negativity and illness away. During the ritual I cleansed myself, draining all negativity in my primary chakras away. I was successful in eliminating dark energy from all but the heart chakra. The blackness in my heart chakra kept returning—so much so that I expected to have a heart attack in the near future—until l I finally understood that I really do need to love and accept myself, that it isn't just an idea. As soon as I felt that love and acceptance for myself, the chakra was clear and full of light, so I decided to invoke Hathor, The Empress, again, this time with all the Queens in the Tarot as support.

The Empress with Queens

     After I dealt the foundation cards (The Aces and Judgement) in the order of the active invoking pentagram, starting with the Ace of Wands (Fire), I placed The Empress in the center of the pentagram. I invoked the Goddess of Love with prayer and then began laying down the Queens, starting with the Queen of Wands and once again moving in the order of the active invoking pentagram. I asked the Goddess of Love to help me realize the best qualities of each Queen.

• The  Queen of Wands: With a great fiery will and openness, she radiates and receives joy and love.

• The Queen of Swords: With great emotional and intellectual wisdom, she remains balanced and open to Being.

• The Queen of Cups: With great sensitivity and creative will, she manifests positive cosmic forces.

• The Queen of Pentacles: With great maternal love and stability, she remains fertile on all levels of Being.

     In the process, I concentrated on letting go of the negative aspects of masculinity and balancing the masculine and feminine energies within me.

The Emperor with Foundation Cards (Aces)

THE EMPEROR AND THE FOUR KINGS

     The next day I performed a ritual to balance the energies of The Empress and the Queens by invoking the Emperor and the four Kings of the Tarot. The for Kings show spiritual maturity on the levels of will, intellect, emotion, and material being. Staying with the Egyptian pantheon, I invoked Horus as the Emperor.

The Emperor with Kings 

     After I dealt the foundation cards (The Aces and Judgement) in the order of the active invoking pentagram, starting with the Ace of Wands (Fire), I placed The Emperor in the center of the pentagram. I invoked the God of the Higher Self with prayer and then began laying down the Kings, starting with the King of Wands and once again placing the cards in the order of the active invoking pentagram. I asked the Horus to help me realize the best qualities of each King.

• The King of Wands: With great fiery will and farsightedness, he maintains dominion by burning away what does not serve him while passionately striving for the highest possible good.

• The King of Swords: With fierce intellect, he exercises keen judgment, allowing the higher self to reach great heights.

• The King of Cups: With great sensitivity and creative will, he remains immersed yet stable within positive cosmic forces.

• The King of Pentacles: With great paternal love and stability, he enables Being on all levels to flourish.

I focused on accepting myself as a creative, loving, spiritual man, ending with this chant:

I love and accept myself

as a man who chooses to live

in the higher self

even in this world.

I love and accept all Being,

adding my light

to the light of the world.

     You might think I'm crazy, but after both rituals, I feel free of the negative aspects of masculinity and much more relaxed and at peace with myself. I feel more joyful than I have in years.

INSANE IS THE NEW NORMAL: POST TWENTY-EIGHT

Lupine and Poppies near Oak Tree burned in Rough Fire, North Fork of Kings River

THE TIPPING POINT

     When I was twelve, I sneaked out of the tent trailer at daybreak and strolled toward a prominent hill rising above the campsite. The hill had for some reason attracted me ever since we had arrived, perhaps because of its numerous flowers and towering trees or because I was curious about what I would find at the top. I had never left camp before without permission; I remember intending only to walk over to the hill to ponder its strange attraction for a few moments. When I stood next to the hill, however, I felt dwarfed, yet drawn even more to its mysterious otherness, so I started scrambling up the steep slope, telling myself that I would turn back before anyone knew I was gone. I kept climbing higher, though, keenly aware of the time, until I reached a ridge. I paused, catching my breath, believing that some truth was about to be revealed to me, but when I gazed up the hill, I noticed only more of the same: trees, flowers, rocks, as far as the eye could see.

Root of the Element of Earth

     Disappointed, I turned to head back, spotting a bird with a brilliant red head and yellow body perched about fifteen feet away on the branch of a dead tree. I had never encountered such a bird before, and I slowly edged closer, amazed that it didn't fly away. I stared at it for a long time, believing that no one else had ever encountered such a dazzling bird before because I had never seen anything like it on TV or in magazines or in my neighborhood. Perhaps because I was so still, contemplating the bird and my surroundings, I could feel my personality slip away. The flowers, rocks and trees suddenly seemed timeless, and I was aware only of being, of gazing at a magical bird. As I stared, I became aware that the bird was part of one vast mysterious Being. I thought at first that this Being was the mountain, which seemed to go on forever in every direction, but then I gazed up at the sky: This Being was the Earth and the sky. Perhaps It was the entire cosmos, a cosmos that was aware that the bird and I were conscious of each other.

     I felt terrified, thinking that human life was no more significant than the life of any other creature, plant or animal, each in its own way as aware as any other being, each a point of awareness within a Being that extended forever in every direction. Just as I was feeling like a grain of sand within this vastness, the bird suddenly flew away. I chased after it and found it again perching in another tree, still seemingly unafraid but wary enough to keep its distance. Again I stared until the bird vanished, and I knew I needed to head back to camp. What if most human beliefs and values were wrong? What if the whole human experience with its amazing art and science and philosophy was just one minuscule fraction of this vast Being? What if awareness itself, the inexplicable connection with birds, flowers, trees, was the point of existence, not wealth or power or status? That thought unexpectedly filled me with peace even as I scrambled down the slope. I knew I had realized something important, something that made human striving seem absurd, yet I also knew that the people I knew would think me insane if I mentioned it, and something in me sensed that I would forget the whole experience.

Path 11

     Decades later, as I watched the sun set behind a mountain, I involuntarily stopped thinking, and my self dissolved into the scene before me, the clouds pink and orange and purple. I suddenly had strange thoughts, “There is no history, no time. I have no self, only awareness of being. My being is significant as an awareness of Being itself, the world sliding into darkness as points of light pierce the sky.” As I thought this, I came back to myself, feeling a twinge of terror because everything I had identified with my personality and the whole of human experience had dissolved for those few moments. Again I felt the deep peace and mystery of Being, and I remembered my long ago experience with a magical bird (the western tanager).

Path 32

     At key points in my life, mystical experiences have shown me that being is enough, that in fact it is all we have. I have even learned how to lose myself in Being through ritual and meditation. However, if you have a chronic illness that is slowly destroying your digestive system, this mystical connection doesn't help much in a practical way in terms of healing. I have realized that I am only able to deal with celiac disease through occultism. In other words, instead of remaining in the oneness of Being, I must bring spirit down into the planes of form to heal my body and mind. I have emptied my mind innumerable times to let go of negative mental patterns, a process similar to dissolving the “pain body.” I have also mentally purified my chakras, the energy centers of the aura. Those practices are important for achieving peace and enlightenment but don't cure my chronic illness, which continues to plague me, gripping me like fate. In my current condition, I have to invoke powerful, positive cosmic forces to heal myself. In my case, healing means improving my condition to the point that I am able to digest fruits and vegetables and meats effectively. Now I am only able to digest yams and potatoes and a few meats such as boiled chicken without discomfort, and I am afraid that my digestive system will soon fail to do even that much. I realize that I will never again be able to eat anything with even the most minuscule amount of gluten, of course, but when faced with the possibility that my digestive system might be shutting down, that limitation doesn't worry me too much.

     Recently, I performed The Ritual of the Sun. (See previous post.) Those of you who have kept up with my posts know that after I went through a process of mental purification, I developed the ability to “see” with my mind's eye the illness and negativity in my aura and my body. After the ritual I have mentally scanned my body and have seen only light in my torso, whereas before within the past year or so I have only seen blackness in my digestive system. I began feeling hopeful again after seeing that light within me, which has motivated me to continue healing myself by invoking powerful spiritual forces. I decided to perform a Tarot divination with this query: “What will be the outcome if I try to heal myself through my spiritual practices?” The result was surprising.

Path 23

     Using the Celtic Cross spread, I first dealt The World, then crossed it with The Fool. I recognized deep significance there: The World is the last path on the Tree of Life, connecting The Foundation (Yesod) with The Kingdom (Malkuth). The Fool is the first path emanating from the Crown of Creation (Kether). In other words, the first was crossing the last, suggesting the end and the beginning linked in a never-ending cycle with all other paths in between. End and beginning, beginning and end together. The Ace of Pentacles, symbolizing the harmony of all levels of being within manifestation, occupied the position of the "Root Cause," sometimes known as the “Goal or Destiny,” the best that can be accomplished in existing circumstances. All the cards in the layout contained a highly personal meaning for me. Of these cards, I will tell you only that they were spot on, but one especially deserves mentioning: The Hanged Man occupied the position of “Current Environment.” The Hanged Man, targeted as a traitor by a group of people, resembles in many ways The Ten of Swords. (See previous post.) Both suggest paralysis and death but reveal the potential for transformation and enlightenment. A surprising card occupied the position of “Final Result,” the most likely culmination of the situation: The Two of Cups.

Two of Cups
Venus in Cancer
Zodiac in Chokmah

     The Two of Cups symbolizes optimal health. A man and a woman, representing on one level the masculine and feminine energies of the psyche, face each other in balanced polarity. A caduceus wand rises between them, symbolizing the energy channels of the aura. Two of the channels, one masculine, one feminine, snake around the primary chakras and rise up around the central channel to reach the third eye chakra, the fiery lion's head with wings in the position of the crown chakra, the point where the soul meets the divine. The caduceus wand symbolizes the potent energies of the life-force in balance and stands as the symbol of health on all levels of being: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Hence, its use as a symbol for the medical profession.

     Since I have committed myself to healing an intractable disease through contact with positive cosmic forces, I next performed a ritual with the Two of Cups as the central focus. The decanate associations of the Two of Cups are Venus in Cancer. The Tree of Life correspondence is the second sephira known as Chokmah, associated with the zodiac. Using the Tarot Pentagram Spread (see previous post), I invoked the Egyptian Gods associated with Cancer and Venus: Khepera and Hathor respectively. In the process, I learned what I had been missing in my earlier attempts to heal myself.

     After experiencing the energies of these Gods, I realized that it is often difficult to heal oneself because love of Being and love of self, after long periods of suffering, often vanish. After invoking Hathor, the Egyptian Goddess of Love, I understood that healing begins with self-love, not a narcissistic egotism but a forgiveness of faults and a deep understanding and acceptance of one's being. Without that love, dark energy continues to occupy the aura and illness continues to return no matter how many times one eliminates the negative energy. To truly love oneself, one also feels love and compassion for all Being, for one is part of the other. Love provides the foundation for health. The Source provides the energies of transformation.

KHEPERA (Cancer)

Great Khepera, God of becoming,     

Cancer

 spinning the cycles of life,

reveal the morning sun—

Show me the promise

of what I can become.

Transform me so that I live

in health and harmony

and create the life that I desire.

Let my inner light,

my higher self, shine

with the rising sun—

let me add my light

to the light of eternal Being,

serving thee and the one God

for the highest possible good.

HATHOR (Venus) 

Great Hathor, Goddess of love,    

Venus

Goddess of beauty, to whom

I have devoted my life, fill me

with thy light, fill my soul

with thy love so that I

may live in health and harmony,

knowing the abundance

and magnificence of Being,

knowing the beauty

of the Many within the One

and the One within the Many.

Let thy love banish all illness

and all negativity so that I

may add my love

to the love of all Being,

serving thee and the one God

for the highest possible good.

     Love and transformation are universal needs in this difficult time that we are experiencing as a species. Without love we can strive to eliminate problems and negativity but they will continue to return. Invoking the high spiritual energies of the Goddess of Love has helped me to manifest the love of self and love of Being that I need to truly eliminate negativity. The energies of Venus are unstable on the planes of form, but bringing down the highest spiritual love of the Goddess continues to have a positive, life-changing effect, especially as I continue to eliminate the negativity associated with chronic illness.